Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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