What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
