i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize