Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
