It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize