I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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