I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
