My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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