She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
