sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
