now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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