So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
