i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
