And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
