I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
