a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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