FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
