he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
