I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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