Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
