and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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