Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
