I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
