I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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