Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
