I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
