Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
