I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
