The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
