my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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