why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
