i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's the barista slut.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
