I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
