people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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