He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
