By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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