he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
