Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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