Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
