so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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