thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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