Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
