I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
