if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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