They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
