sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
