The maid of honor just puked.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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