The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Barsexuality is the new black.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize