: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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