My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
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Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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