a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
