I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
