im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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