my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
