I wish you could order shots online.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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