I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
