Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
